DO YOU SPEAK MANAGEMENT-SPEAK?

02/02/2009

Hopefully you don’t. Because then you’d be like this man:

david07

We want to know what the word is in your office. Literally. Apparently, everyone at the BBC has suddenly started talking about “scoping” and “de-scoping” things. You know, projects, marriages… Which begs the question why? whatever do they mean?

The world has come a long way since blue-sky thinking, peeps. Although not so far that they’ve been able to take it offline. So we want to know what supremely irritating phrases or words are doing the rounds out there, in the Real World Of Work*, right now. Let us know in a comment below. And we’ll scope it, or de-scope it, in the next podcast.

*Because I work from home, and quite frankly, can only speak in internet-speak. OMG! See?

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2 Responses to “DO YOU SPEAK MANAGEMENT-SPEAK?”

  1. J Says:

    “Moving Forward” – a terminology Management uses to advise of what they plan to do next.

    “Wholeistic View Towards Efficiency” – A much nicer way of saying to an employee that they are about to take on a much higher workload without the benefit of receiving more money for it.

    “Secondment” – Been “gunning” for a promotion? A secondment is the answer your boss has been looking for. With this pseudo promotion your boss will be able to “give” you the promotion of your dreams (sort of) for a predetermined length of time up to 12 months without having to pay you one red cent more than you’re currently making and without having to give you the qualifications you’ll need for a similar role outside the company. Then when the time runs out they can move you back to your old job so you can be with your friends and then they can give the position to the blonde with the great rack who can’t spell her own name that your boss slept with at the Christmas party.

    “Irregardless” – a double negative used by morons (management) when they want to sound important and authorative about something they dissapprove of, such a pity they can’t remember that the words they are actually searching for are either “regardless” or “irrespective”.

    “Integrity” – a quantifiable asset that all staff must have which illustrates that they are honest until they reach managerial positions where lying, cheating, stealing and sleeping your way up the corporate ladder is the name of the game.

    “Pro-active” – A term that stupid people (managers) use to sound as though they give two sh*ts about what the company is doing.

    “Stakeholders” – A term used by your manager to advise of all the other people who are involved with the project/business. These people are referred to as “stakeholders” because your boss can never remember their names and this way you boss can sound like they know what they are doing.

    “P.D.R” (Performance Development Review) – a quarterly meeting you are subjected to with your manager, usually you’ll have to fill it out yourself because your manager wasn’t paying attention and has no idea what you did for them since the last meeting. Then your manager will take whatever rating you gave yourself, halve it and tell you to “keep up the good work”.

    “Performance Incentive Bonus” – something that as an employee you’ll see very little of while your lazy manager gets “the lion’s share” regardless of the fact that they don’t do any work, rarely come in to the office or run the company into the ground (remember xerox).

    “Company Credit Card” – Funded by the Performace Incentive Bonus that all employees should have received for their hard work and dillegence used to fund the Russian Prostitutes, Larger nights and Corporate Boxes at Football matches that your boss shouted all of his mates and those really lovely diamond ear rings he bought his mistress.

    “M.B.C.S” (Managerial Business Culture Statement) – Usually in poster form these “documents” will highlight all of the ways in which your managers should be nice to you/respect you within the work place. Management never intends to live up to this ideoligy but at least the posters look nice.

    “Work from home” – Something your boss who lives 3 blocks from work can do every second day because they couldn’t be bothered getting dressed and coming in. All other employees should note that even though they live nautical miles away from their workplace this option is not open to them.

    Salary Sacrifice – A scheme so that all employees can spend whole dollars before tax to buy luxury cars and holidays to far off island destinations and thus live the life of a Russian gangster without having to pay income tax on these items. Of interest is the fact that as an entry level employee you don’t make enough each year to be able to take this option anyway but at least you can sleep easy each night knowing that your boss is driving home in the latest Mercedes Benz and has that really nice holiday in Tahiti coming up.

  2. bingoandrea Says:

    Good god. I’ve never been happier to work for myself.


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